If you’ve ever felt the urge to constantly keep the peace, avoid conflict, or say “yes” even when you want to say “no,” you’re not alone. This response is common and often stems from a deep desire to feel safe, valued, and connected. But there’s something else at play that you might not be aware of—something called fawning. Fawning is a stress response where we prioritize others' needs to protect ourselves from discomfort or rejection.
In this post, we'll gently explore what fawning is, why it happens, and how we can begin to release people-pleasing behaviors to reconnect with our true selves and build more authentic relationships.
What is Fawning?
Fawning is one of the four major stress responses—along with fight, flight, and freeze—that our nervous system activates when we feel unsafe or threatened. It’s a natural, automatic reaction to avoid conflict, gain approval, and maintain a sense of safety by focusing on making others happy or comfortable.
This response can develop early in life, especially if you experienced environments where expressing your needs or opinions felt unsafe or risky. Over time, it can become a way of navigating relationships, leading you to prioritize others' comfort over your own well-being.
Why It Feels Safer to Please Others
People-pleasing often feels like the safest option when we’ve been conditioned to believe that conflict or setting boundaries will lead to rejection or disconnection. If you’ve learned to associate expressing your needs with tension or criticism, it makes sense that fawning would become a survival strategy. At the moment, it can feel easier to go along with others' wishes rather than risk rejection or discomfort.
But while this may help us avoid conflict in the short term, it often leaves us feeling unfulfilled and disconnected from ourselves in the long run. Not having needs doesn’t make you more likable or worthy of connection. Instead, it can create distance in relationships, as you begin to lose sight of your own desires and needs.
How Boundaries Create True Connection
It can feel counterintuitive, but boundaries are actually the key to deeper, more authentic relationships. When you honor your own limits and express your needs, you allow others to see the real you. People who truly care about you will appreciate your honesty and respect your boundaries—this is what creates a genuine connection.
When you’re always focused on making things easy for others, you may find that the connections you build feel one-sided or shallow. True intimacy and trust come from allowing yourself to be seen and heard fully, including your boundaries, needs, and desires.
For example, I had a client who always drove to meet her friends, even though none of them ever made the effort to come to where she lived—not even for her birthday. She didn’t say anything, wanting to maintain an easy-going personality and avoid conflict. But underneath that, she felt sad, hurt, and unappreciated. By not expressing her needs, she was left feeling unseen and disconnected.
Through our work together, we explored how this pattern had roots in her childhood. Growing up, she had learned that speaking up or expressing her needs wasn’t safe—it often led to tension or rejection in her family. So, she developed a habit of putting others first, believing that being agreeable would keep her relationships intact.
We worked on gently expanding her ability to notice her needs and practice small moments of expressing them. By building her capacity and self-awareness, she started to set boundaries in her friendships. It wasn’t easy at first, but she soon noticed how honoring her needs led to more fulfilling, balanced connections. She no longer felt like she had to carry the weight of the relationship alone.
A New Path Forward: Curiosity and Self-Kindness
Letting go of people-pleasing and fawning is a gradual process. It’s not about suddenly changing overnight or putting up rigid walls. Instead, it’s about gently tuning into yourself and asking: What do I need right now? What feels right for me in this moment?
This practice of self-curiosity is key. By approaching yourself with curiosity, rather than judgment, you open the door to deeper self-connection. You begin to honor your own needs, step by step, with compassion and care.
It’s okay if this feels uncomfortable at first. Like anything, this is a practice. Start small. Begin to notice where you say “yes” when you really want to say “no.” Pay attention to situations where you feel the need to mold yourself to fit in. These moments are opportunities to start experimenting with honoring your own needs, even if it’s just in tiny ways.
You’re More Than Enough, Just as You Are
People-pleasing often comes from the belief that we need to be “easy” or agreeable to be loved. But true connection isn’t about shrinking to fit others' expectations. It’s about being you. Your needs, boundaries, and desires are valid and worthy of being honored.
You don’t need to mold yourself to make others happy. You deserve to take up space, to express yourself, and to be met with the same care and respect you offer to others. By letting go of fawning and people-pleasing, you’re not only reconnecting with yourself—you’re creating space for deeper, more authentic relationships in your life.
You are enough. You are worthy of being seen, heard, and valued—exactly as you are.
Key Takeaways:
Fawning is a trauma response where we people-please to maintain safety and avoid conflict.
People-pleasing may help avoid discomfort, but it often leaves us feeling unmet and disconnected.
Boundaries are essential for creating real connections and honoring your own needs.
Self-curiosity and small steps toward asserting your needs can help you let go of fawning in a gentle, compassionate way.
Comments