Pleasure is the Goal, But Not the Kind We’ve Been Sold

Jul 20, 2025

3 min read

Updated: Sep 28

Pleasure Isn’t the Problem: It’s the Wiring

We talk a lot about pleasure in healing spaces. Yet, for many women, it doesn’t land the way we hope. Sometimes, there’s confusion. Sometimes, guilt. Sometimes, a quiet ache—I should be feeling more than I am, but I’m not.

Instead of deep, nourishing connection, we often reach for things that look like pleasure but don’t quite get us there. This isn’t because we’re doing anything wrong. Pleasure is more complex than we’ve been taught.

Pleasure Can Mean Many Things

What we often call pleasure can sometimes be relief. It can also be a distraction or a way out of pain. Occasionally, it is a spark of connection, a return to aliveness.

But without presence—real, body-based presence—it’s hard to tell the difference. That doesn’t make our choices bad. It makes them wise responses to our nervous system’s capacity.

We all have strategies. We all reach for something that helps us cope, soften, and survive. Whether it’s movement, food, caretaking, intimacy, scrolling, or even stillness, we’re all trying to feel better. Or feel something.

But when the body hasn’t learned how to stay with itself, even good things can feel off. That’s not your fault. It’s the imprint of a culture that doesn’t make space for women’s feelings, needs, or longings.

The Nervous System and Pleasure

In Somatic Experiencing®, we explore how experiences get linked—or “coupled”—in the nervous system.

Overcoupling happens when pleasure is linked with something threatening: shame, danger, rejection, or control. So when something starts to feel good, your system might tense, back away, or even shut it down. “I want this… but I shouldn’t.”
Undercoupling occurs when the experience of pleasure is disconnected from the body. You may know what you like, or think you do, but you can’t feel it. “I’m here, but I don’t feel much.”

Both patterns are adaptations. They’re your system doing its best to keep you safe, based on what it’s been through.

A Metaphor That Might Help

Think of a dimmer switch. Pleasure is like light.

For many women, the wiring behind that switch has been shaped by years of subtle (and not-so-subtle) messages: Don’t ask for too much. Don’t feel too deeply. Don’t want too loudly.

Sometimes the light floods on—too bright, too much, too fast. Other times, it barely flickers. You try to turn it up, but nothing happens. You question yourself. You think: What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I feel?

But it’s not about doing it “right.” It’s about the system having the capacity to feel. And that capacity can be rebuilt—gently, over time, with care.

Pleasure is the Goal—But Not the Kind We’ve Been Sold

Pleasure matters. It’s a glimmer. A resource. A pulse of life in the system. It supports healing because it brings us into contact with something real, something good.

However, when pleasure is sold as luxury massages, peak sex, or something you have to earn after doing enough, being enough, or achieving enough, it becomes disconnected from presence. It becomes performance. Consumption. A means of escape or approval.

Real pleasure, the kind that heals, is rooted in presence. Not because it’s flashy or perfect, but because you’re actually there to feel it.

It might show up as the warmth of sunlight on your chest. The quiet relief of not being touched when you don’t want to be. A full breath. A small yes. A softening you didn’t expect.

These are not trivial. They’re doorways. And they become possible when we stop striving for pleasure as an end result. Instead, we start tending to the nervous system as it is.

Reconnecting to Your Body

Reconnecting to your body is a journey. It requires patience and compassion. You might feel lost at times, but remember, it’s okay. You’re not alone.

Start by noticing small moments of pleasure. Perhaps it’s the taste of your favorite food or the sound of laughter. These moments matter. They help you build a bridge back to your body.

The Power of Presence

Being present is a powerful tool. It allows you to experience life fully. When you practice presence, you can begin to feel the subtleties of pleasure.

Try simple exercises. Take a few deep breaths. Feel the ground beneath your feet. Notice the sensations in your body. This practice can help you reconnect with yourself.